


I dont wanna be you

by Lgbtjihyos



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Almost a character study for haseul??, And vivi loves her so much, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Haseul doubts herself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 07:13:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15858789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lgbtjihyos/pseuds/Lgbtjihyos
Summary: Haseul reflects at 5am and vivi is there to pick up the pieces





	I dont wanna be you

**Author's Note:**

> This is obviously fictional i do not know how haseul feels irl, but i hope she loves herself as much as we do

Haseul stood in front of the mirror in her dorm. The light streaming in from the window was enough for haseul to see her form in the mirror. Her phone lit up with a notification. It was 4:43am. 

She flipped the phone over, ignoring the notification, it most likely didnt matter anyway. There was no way her manager was texting at this time, and all of her friends and members were asleep. 

Haseul ran a hand along her torso, grimacing as she felt every rib through the skin under her fingers. Her fingers fiddled with the skin on her stomach, pulling at the small bit of fat there. She had always been a healthy girl, happy with herself for the most part, but being an idol was difficult. 

°°°°°  
She danced for hours at a time, desperately trying to make her lines as smooth as sooyoungs or jungeuns. They always reassured her that it took years to get where they were but haseuls eyes still watered furiously when she messed up the choreo, flashing back to her expirence at YG ent. 

She spent as long as possible in the studio, stretching, dancing, working out, improving her stability, whatever she could to show that she deserved her spot in loona. She watched endless fancams of 1/3 stages, picking apart everything she did wrong, what she could do better. 

She worked with a vocal coach 4 times a week, relearning to use her chest voice as smoothly as possible for pop songs. She saw the comments under her solo, under 1/3 music videos, "her tone is so nasal" "she cant be main vocal with that tone, seriously." 

Sometimes haseul wanted to go back to her old opera teacher and sing without a care in the world like she used to. But that cant happen now.

°°°°°

Haseul scowled again, this time as she leaned forward. Her eyes were small. Smaller than most idols. If she were at a larger company they most likely would have suggested surgery before debut. The thought alone made her shudder. 

°°°°° 

All the practice would be worth it. She told herself. It had been more than a year since she recorded a new song, a year since she did a music video. The adrenaline pumped through her veins as they did run through after run through of favorite, her feet burning from dancing all day. 

Then theyd shown the demo of the song. In less than an hour they were supposed to start filming. Haseul listened, a big smile on her face. She hugged heejin and jungeun, happy that they rose to the challenge of leading a song. Inside though, a small part of her wanted to scream. 2 lines. Less than 5 seconds. All that practice. 

She wasnt more worthy of lines than any other member. Haseul knew that. she genuinely believed it. But still it stung after 2 years of preperations and stress to get 5 seconds. 

°°°°

Haseul turned again, running a finger along her nose. It jutted out from her face and had a small bump in the middle. She thought to girls like hyunjin, with small faces, big eyes, smooth small noses and long legs. Stop it. Stop this she told herself. What would these thoughts do for her? For anyone else? Nothing. 

Haseul smiled at herself in the mirror. Even she could tell it was fake. She didn't feel like smiling. 

She thought back to her audition for loona.

°°°°

"I messed up so bad yerimah I have no chance" 

"Im sure you did fine haseul! A few mistakes in the dance doesn't take from the fact that you're so talented!"

°°°°°  
She had been so surprised when they called her back into the room and congratulated her as the 3rd member. 

Before she knew it she had been in iceland in the freezing cold. But it was all so worth it, all of the challenges were. 

Haseul looked into the mirror again. She thought of her members.

Heejin who had been so brave. The first member. Always ready to work hard. To practice an extra hour. 

Hyunjin. She seemed funny and a bit cold but she was really so sweet. Haseul remembers comforting her about her voice after their first live stage. 

Yeojin, she was so young when kiss later came out but still so hardworking. It blew haseuls mind sometimes. Yeojin wanted to be in 1/3 so bad. Haseul still wishes she had been.

Vivi, who had moved to an entirely new country. Learned a new language. Practiced her vocals and pronounciation at the same time.

Jungeun, god she was so gorgeous and funny and kind and talented. Haseul thought she was born to be an idol. Even when she was nagging haseul, shed always be dorky loveable jungeun. 

Jinsoul, who pretended to be a bit dumber than she was. Who made everyone in a room laugh no matter how bad her jokes were. 

Yerim who had practiced for hours everyday after odd eye circle's debut on her voice, on her dancing. Loona's bright sunshine on the hardest days. 

Sooyoung. Her existence seemed unreal. Her stunning appearance, strong dance, and clear voice seemed like a gift from the universe.

Jiwoo, the loud, playful, clingy baby that haseul had grown so so fond of. Her voice was unreal, from the first time she heard it, haseul knew it was special. 

Chaewon, who made a fool of herself to get a laugh out of the group, or to lift everyones spirits. Who worried that she didnt have the vocals to debut after jiwoo, or the dance skills to follow sooyoung. 

And finally hyejoo. The missing piece of the puzzle. The final member of loona. She seemed so tough and hard on stage, her stage presence could fill an arena, yet when she walked off stage, she was the baby who held hands 24/7. 

They made everything haseul went through worth it. Every criticism on her voice, her visual, her dance didnt matter when she saw sooyoung standing by the stove every morning cooking breakfast. Or when she saw hyejoo teaching yeojin how to play a new game. The thought of it brought a real smile to her face. She needed them. 

Her members needed her too right? 

Haseuls smile faltered. They did. Of course they did. But still haseuls eyes shimmered with tears. She wiped furiously at her cheeks as tears gathered, all of her emotions releasing at once. 

Stop this. Stop crying. You're stronger than this. Pull yourself together. 

Tears continued to flow down haseuls cheeks. She was TIRED of feeling this way. Tired of questioning herself. Tired of picking herself apart. Tired of falling apart in the bathroom at 5am. 

Haseul had to resist the urge to break the mirror in front of her. Not only would that have been stupid and made a mess but her managers would not be happy. 

I dont wanna be you anymore. I'm so tired of this. Haseul thought, clenching her fists tightly and letting the tears on her face drip down her neck. 

A soft knock came from the door. Haseul was about to say she was coming out, and apologize for taking up the time, but the voice behind the door spoke first. 

"Please let me in. I know what youre doing." It was vivis sweet voice, her accent shining through. 

Haseul opened the door. "Oh haseul" vivi whispered, closing the door quietly behind her. " come here" she opened her arms and pulled haseul into a warm hug. Vivi felt like home. Like a hot cup of cocoa on Christmas. Like a soft blanket in the winter.  

Haseul cried into her neck, mumbling out an apology for getting her sleep shirt wet. Vivi pulled back and took haseuls hands in hers, unballing the fists haseul had made. 

"Let's wash these seul" vivi gently turned on the water and got some soap. It was only then that haseul realized there were two or three red crescents on her palm and a bit of blood under her finger nail. 

Haseul continued to cry after vivi had dried her hands and hugged her once more.

"Shhhh" vivi said as she rubbed haseuls back " youre ok. Youre ok i promise. Lets go to my room ok? Hyunjin is in yerims room tonight." Haseul nodded. 

Vivi closed the door behind them and grabbed a long sleeve shirt from hee dresser. "You must be cold seul, here" haseul accepted it easily and slipped it over her head. Vivi sat at the head of the bed and positioned herself so haseul could lay on her lap. 

Vivi reached a hand down and ran her fingers through haseuls brunette locks. Haseuls breathing grew more and more steady, and her sniffles became more and more rare. 

Once she had calmed down a bit, Haseul moved to sit in between vivis legs with her back to vivis front. Vivi chuckled, laced her fingers with haseuls, careful not to press on her sensitive palms and began to hum a song. Haseul recognized it as a twice song, jaljayo good Night if she remembered right. It was one of vivis favorites especially during long nights.

"Haseul?" Vivi looked down at the younger girl. "Youre so important and i love you so much. Remember that no matter what. Promise me" 

"I promise"


End file.
